Me: No I don’t wanna follow “Kinda Slutty Katie.”
K: Can I follow “Kinda Slutty Katie?” You could recommend me to her.
Me: *dirty look*
K: Just askin’.
K: How’s my beard look today?
Me: I think it should fade more at the jawline.
K: No. That’s how it’s supposed to look.
Me: Then is should end lower.
K: No. That’s how it’s suppose to be. Look, I googled George Clooney’s beard before I started growing this because that muthafucka knows how to grow a beard.
Me: *giggles and jumps up and down excitedly*
Me: This is so going on the blog.
K: This is why I don’t tell you things.
Me: You tell me everything.
K: I really should stop.
Me: Did you hear that George Lucas is going to donate all the money from selling Star Wars?
Me: Who really needs that much money anyway? What would you do with 4 billion dollars?
K: I’d buy a big vault and swim in it like Scrooge McDuck. Then I’d make it rain for a couple years. Once I was done, I’d walk away and say “Eh, I’m done with it. You can have it.”
*While looking at photos on Instagram of hurricane prep & flooding
Me: I’m glad we live in Ohio.
K: I’d rather deal with a hurricane than a fucking election. I wish we lived in a solid blue state so I didn’t have to sweat it out.
Me: If you have to go to South America, we are going with you. Rio!
K: Oh, no. I am not taking you to Rio.
Me: Why not?
K: No. No. No. No. You don’t take your wife to Rio.
K: It’s like Vegas. You don’t take your wife to Vegas. You don’t take your wife to Rio. The women have huge asses It’s what I imagine heaven to be like.
“If I were a card I’d be the King of Sharts!”
Me: Nebraska beat Idaho State 73 – 7.
K: Anyone who comes into your stadium and says Idaho , you need to beat ’em.
“Eff. My. Butt. Allergies. Kicking. My. Ass.”
“Yes, I am speaking in Superhero language.”